I Can't do that for Free
I attended my first Codependents Anonymous meeting when I was 15 years old. Yep, you read that right.
I was tagging along with my mom to a ‘Celebrate Recovery’ event at our local mega-church, where she was in a support group for women recovering from domestic violence. If anyone's heard of Saddleback or the Celebrate Recovery program series - you'd know this event was HUGE.
I wasn't about to join in on my mom's actual group meeting, so I decided to attend the main seminar instead. With a lot of curiosity, I listened to lectures about a bunch of different kinds of addictions people struggle with. I remember flipping through all of the pamphlets on the welcome table… and one pamphlet stuck out more than all the rest.
It was titled “Codependency, The Problem and Solution for Women". At the time, I remember being shocked with how many bullet points I resonated with while reading over the pamphlet. Even weirder was how much I related to women's stories in the actual Codependents Anonymous sharing circle. But I think what confused me overall is that…
I still couldn't really understand why codependent patterns were a harmful thing?
I mean, especially after reading the pamphlets for Freedom from Anger, Eating Addiction, Sexual Addiction, Alcoholism, Gambling Addiction, Childhood Dysfunction, Grief Support, and Drug Addiction…. Codependency definitely seemed like not as big of a deal.
And, to be honest, I continued to not really understand the problem with codependency for over a decade after that experience. I read ten zillion articles about it on the web, watched videos, and gained some self awareness of my patterns through my relationships, but sometimes it was still a little bit hard to understand. Codependency usually means you try to help people too much. So… why's that a problem?
And the bigger question I've had to consider in the context of the last few years is, how did patterns of codependency play out when I was first starting my business?
How Patterns of Codependency Play out in Business
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Do any of these sound familiar?
You feel like you know the value of what you offer, but when the moment comes to tell people your price, you make your price smaller because you worry that the person will judge you or get mad at you.
You want to make your offers accessible to people, but you get really confused about where to draw the line when offering trade, barter, or sliding scale - and oftentimes feel like you accidentally become self-sacrificing in these types of arrangements.
You feel genuinely heartbroken about the state of the world and feel like the best way you can help people who are struggling is by keeping your prices low.
You judge your own work harshly, and always move the ‘goalpost’ so that you never quite feel like you achieve the quality of work you want, and therefore you don't feel justified in asking to be properly paid for your work. You worry that people will see through your lack of confidence in your own work.
You tend to feel taken advantage of but you haven't actually put up any boundaries around your worth, much less communicated those boundaries to others.
When people tell you how much value you have brought to their lives, you don't really hear it or you think they are only saying kind things to you because they don't have much to talk to you about. You don't really feel like they mean it.
Because your services are underpriced, you feel excited about the project at first but end up feeling resentful after you realize how much work the project actually was. (But you don't ask for more money because you know that it was you who made the mistake of offering a low price).
When giving to someone else, you make sure every last detail is perfect, even though the other person may not even see or comprehend the details. You yearn to be appreciated for all your extra efforts but know it's unreasonable to expect that others will notice how your perfectionism benefits them. And on top of that, you worry that if anything you deliver is imperfect, it means you'll be ‘found out’ as an imposter, which re-affirms feelings of worthlessness.
You stay in client relationships that feel disharmonious for too long. Because the relationship is sensitive, your default energy in the relationship feels defensive, but you try to be friendly despite it. If anything in the client relationship goes wrong, you are the first to apologize - and sometimes apologize for who you are and not just for what you did.
You price your services lower for people you love, but you happen to truly love a lot of people…
Unfortunately, this list was embarrassingly easy to write because I have totally felt all these things, and more.
The good news is - I've grown so, so much in the past many years! Although sometimes these patterns still play out, I'm often clear on my worth now and I am able to communicate my boundaries confidently and compassionately with others. Eventually I got to the point of finally saying to myself…
“I will NOT undervalue myself anymore. I will no longer self-sabotage my growth."
Rewind — I was three years into my design business and I knew that this had to be the year that I changed or I would literally go under. And, sort of out of nowhere, I started seeing all these opportunities to attend free online summits for designers. So I signed up for all of them, and proceeded to watch an absurd amount of lectures around how to grow a design business.
To my surprise, I listened to woman after woman after woman say that they had ‘scaled their design business to 6 figures with no experience’. They kept saying that they were completely self taught, had no college degree, started with no leadership skills, etc. And as much as I wish I had felt inspired by these stories (because, I mean, they were objectively super inspiring)… I couldn't help feeling pretty angry (at myself), and confused.
Like… what am I doing wrong? And why am I experiencing feelings of self betrayal?
I mean, I've never felt that scaling to six figures is what ‘success’ looks like. (Or believed that you have to have a formal education to 'make it'). But as I watched these videos, I experienced a very specific feeling of knowing that I was capable of more, and that the single biggest thing holding me back was myself and how I valued myself.
WARNING - Not-So-Humble Brag Moment… Incoming…
As I listened to those design summit lectures, I actually felt like I was totally qualified to run my own business. I had finished a college degree in business, graduated with honors, landed my dream job out of college and got a 50% raise after my first year. I worked on projects for huge leading brands in live entertainment like Coachella, Stagecoach, LA LIVE, STAPLES Center, Adele's sold-out tour, The Grammy Museum, The O2 in London, MADE LA Fashion event (and tons more…)
On top of that, I had been accepted into multiple specialized marketing programs where I traveled to the HQ of established brands and advertising agencies like Google, Facebook, Youtube, Red Bull, AirBNB, 72andSunny, TBWA/Chiat/Day (advertising agency of Apple) - to take classes directly from leaders in their respective industries.
I had a full-on design portfolio, glowing testimonials from people I had worked with, and had spent years growing a genuine community across multiple social media channels too.
And yet, as of a few years ago, I was still feeling bad asking $700 for a website design. I found myself reflecting hard… like what TF is the problem?
As an adult with early childhood trauma, I learned early on the survival strategy of fawning and people pleasing when it came to my relationships in my business - and this is something a lot of people struggle with, especially women. When I was still establishing my business foundations, I had a really hard time distinguishing my working relationships from my friends (because, I mean, they are pretty integrated). And there were inevitably times when I did get taken advantage of by others - not purposefully, but because I didn’t realize that we define our own worth, and people just reflect that back to us.
Something I’ve learned about value now is that you could be the juiciest, sweetest peach in the world - and some people just aren't going to like peaches. They may even point out the fact that you're not a blueberry, and that they really want a blueberry and that they believe blueberries are obviously yummier and better than peaches. And you might feel bad about yourself for awhile.
But I promise - when you make the shift and start connecting with people who LOVE peaches and VALUE peaches (while knowing you're a juicy AF peach)… this is when things are going to shift in your business. 🍑 💦 Fruit metaphors aside - You need to find the people who will see your value without you having to totally exhaust yourself to prove yourself.
And you need to put up boundaries with people who don't find value in what you have to offer. Truth be told, what you offer might actually not be that valuable to some people, but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable period. The key is to not take it personally when someone doesn't see or validate your value. Spend as little time and energy as possible with those people and instead, focus on finding your people. Growth is really all about managing and re-directing energy.
15 Ways to Say “I can't do that for free”
Step into your evolution by confidently and compassionately communicating your boundaries
“Thank you for thinking of me, this sounds like a great fit! (this sounds awesome, this sounds so fun, etc.) Can I just check whether this is a paid opportunity?”
“This sounds like such an interesting project! Here’s a link to the current services I offer, I think xxx would be the best fit. Here’s a copy of my pricing guide."
“Thank you so much for considering me for this. Unfortunately, I’m unable to take on any unpaid projects at the moment, but if that changes in the future I’d love to get back in touch.”
“I'd love to help you out with this! Do you have a budget in mind? Projects I've done like this in the past have ranged from XXX to XXX - is that about what you had in mind?”
“Thanks so much for connecting with me! Out of respect for my paying clients I'm unable to give detailed advice via DMs, but here's where you can book a consultation and here's where you can find a bunch of free resources.”
“I understand the going rate for this kind of work is around XXX / hour, but my time is worth XXX / hour, so I'm not going to be able to help out this time around. If another project aligns that I'm a better fit for, please let me know!”
“Wow, I would love to trade you for that. What do you normally price that for? I value my service at XXX / hour, so if we traded, it (would / wouldn't) feel about even.”
“Intuitively, this trade doesn't really feel balanced to me. I don't doubt the value of your offer, but I'm going to have to pass for now. Maybe we can re-connect again in the future?”
“Thanks so much for thinking of me again! SO much has changed since we last spoke. I'm actually now a certified XXX and am offering my services at XXX rate.”
“I can see you need some help with that. I'm already committed to some other work right now. I can help you another time though! Here's my calendar where you can schedule something with me.”
“I really appreciate the opportunity for more exposure - but I'm only taking on paid opportunities at the moment. If any paid opportunities come up, please let me know!"
“Unfortunately, what you're asking for falls outside my capabilities. But if you need help with XXX, XXX, or XXX - please feel free to reach out.”
“I understand you don't have much of a budget for this. So the best fit for you would be (someone who works pro-bono, a student, an intern, taking an online class and learning it yourself). I recommend XXX.”
“Your budget for this is a little lower than industry standard for this kind of service, which is around XXX. We can definitely work something out that fits into your budget, we may just have to reduce the scope by taking some things out.”
“I can only take on XX sliding scale projects per year, so I only offer my sliding scale rate to people who are truly in need. My full rate is XXX. Is this something you can afford?”
Remember, our boundaries are only as strong as our ability to uphold them, and our own behavior is what teaches our community how to relate to us.
When I first started my business, I thought that the way that I could help people most was by keeping my prices low. And if that's sustainable for you, that's not a bad way to start a business. (You are still learning and practicing, after all.)
The problem comes when you aren't actually asking for what you need to sustain yourself (YOU are going to know how much you need better than anyone else will, I promise.)
The issue is when you value people's opinions about your prices more than you value your own knowing about your prices (chances are, the person who is purchasing from you has not researched your industry and competitive landscape more than you have).
And if you and someone else aren't a match, it can be so easy to take it personally and worry that it means X,Y, and Z - when really, it could just be about timing, different priorities, or they just don't really need what you offer right now (Remember! There are plenty of other people who do).
As my business grew, I realized that when my cup is full, I can actually help more people from that place. And, as I got more clear on my offers and how they transform people's lives - the way I ‘helped’ people stopped being from discounts, and started coming more-and-more from my offers themselves.
A big part of that for myself has been getting clear on my Brand Strategy, so I can develop an Offer Ecosystem that truly does help a variety of different people who are at different parts of their journey, and who may have different price points they can afford.
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